'Dancing With the Stars': Happy Tear

Pass the bedazzled tissue box, if you would. Week 9’s “Judges’ Choice” round delivered off-the-charts #sparklebarf both physical and emotional on Dancing With the Stars. We peeked inside Bruno Tonioli’s twisted gem mine of a mind in “Black Swan Lake,” sobbed through a total Gene Kelly in Xanadu moment from departing DANCMSTR Len Goodman, and basked in the glistening glory of one of my favorite male fashion standards in the ballroom: shirtlessness with suspenders.

And as if all that weren’t dramatic enough, there was also a marriage proposal! It’s true: After many long years of will-he-won’t-he buildup, Derek Hough is finally marrying himself. Just kidding. Noah Galloway is marrying his girlfriend, Jamie. It is also rumored that fusion tried to marry jazz, but it didn’t make any sense and they broke up.

Who would the newly engaged couple hug first? Would it be Jamie’s family members? Their close friends?

Think again! Think on your feet, for God’s sake. Wait, not that foot. Broken toe.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!

Nastia Liukin and Question Mark: 40 + 30 = 70/70 Attempting to answer “Who is Nastia’s partner?” at this point is as useless as Derek’s orthopedic diagnosis, or Julianne name-dropping “artistry,” or searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie. You just have to accept the clueless uncertainty of it all, laugh, and move on. Derek would later ooze in on Nastia’s trio with Len, but he left the first-round quickstep to Sasha. Because he has a broken toe. And only the miraculous Sir Farber, tumbler to the stars, could pull off this little swoosh of wonder:

There’s definitely a refreshing, somewhat sassier vibe to Nastia when she’s dancing (or double-one-armed-cartwheeling) with Sasha. I still wouldn’t say she’s’ “opened up” in some sort of emotional journey this season (when Erin handed her a tissue upstairs I half-expected Nastia to rub it between her hands like gymnastics chalk), but the judges insisted she has.

She’s a great dancer, but how awkward will it be if she wins? Will Sasha have to hoist Derek on his shoulders? And then will Mark Ballas lift them both? If only there were someone out there, some tremendously good man who knew all the answers…